What am I doing?

03/07/22

The other night Bill and I were watching a particularly grizzly episode from the last series of Ozark. Those of you who have seen this series will know how violent it is. I had my hands over my eyes and fingers in my ears, peaking out I saw the darkening sky out of our front room window. Night was falling and the clouds looked beautiful and formidable at the same time. I felt a sense of foreboding, no doubt brought on by the nail biting events but my mind had shifted to the present and I thought what am I doing? Am I mad walking into 400 miles or more of the unknown? My gaze turned back to our living room, the faded 30 year old Afghan rug, the crinkling wall paper and second hand furniture, they felt familiar, safe and comforting.

During the last 20 years I was often in a state of heightened anxiety, hanging on with my fingernail’s. The break up of my marriage, my grief and the subsequent financial difficulties, then a job that I loved but which was incredibly challenging taking me all over Europe and India had created a situation where I felt my future could fall apart at any moment. Bill, my kids and my friends kept me going at that time. 

Now retired, life is more settled and I could stay safely within this secure bubble, tending my garden, taking nice holidays and having fun with my grandchildren. Walking the Camino is a step into the unknown, something new, that will push me well outside my comfort zone. 

One thing I have learned over the years to try to control my anxiety is to take deep breaths and look at it, kind of taking it out side of my self. To try to 

make some sense of it, to examine what is real and not real, what I can control and what I just have to set aside for the time being. I realise I have done this since I was a small child. I have a memory of lying in the bottom bunk, my brother above me, peeling wallpaper from the join and tearing bits off, thinking why is life so hard, why can’t it be easier, what can I do? I believe then that I instinctively began to unconsciously take deep breaths and breathe it away, even if I was silently crying at the time. It was many years later whilst training to be an occupational therapist that I understood that this is a basic psychological tool to help control anxiety and promote more relaxed state.

The Camino journey is a step into the unknown and a few deep breaths maybe just what I need to keep going.